I saw this post on tumblr tonight
and I can’t help but disagree. When I feel nothing I just stop completely and may as well not exist.
She’s not back again and all I can think about is if she’s lying dead somewhere or getting attacked or or been kidnapped being raped or just out in the cold freezing or choking on her own vomit. She knows how worried we get and she still does it. I don’t understand.
Headache, stuffy nose, and a sore throat. I think I have a head cold. Great. I always feel particularly whiny when I'm unwell. I mean, I complain a lot anyway, but it's usually just here or mentally.
I feel the worst I have in a while. I’m so tired, my whole body is just tired, my eyes sting, my head aches. I don’t feel sad, or suicidal, I just feel really, really bad. I’m putting all my effort into not crying, because if I start I might not stop for hours.
I’m making the effort again and I honestly don’t think some of these people deserve it when they don’t make an effort back.
A friend wrote me a letter, saying that she hadn’t seen me online in a while and asking if I was okay, and saying she was there if I needed to talk. I’ve had it for a good few days now. I don’t know how to reply. It’s no good talking to someone who doesn’t understand, she doesn’t get that me writing it down or talking about it doesn’t make it go away. I feel so isolated. I need to write back or let her know I have the letter, but what do I do? Lie and tell her I’m okay and become frustrated with myself later for not telling the truth? Tell her the truth and seem crazy and get told to go to a doctor again? Tell her bits of the truth, but the less bad bits so then she will say some words of wisdom and says she understands when I know she doesn’t? Anything I do will just lead to more trouble. I just want to burn the letter and run away and pretend I don’t exist. There’s no easy escape in this life.
I stay awake to sort out my sleep pattern and try and get on some track to normality or to feel better and all I can think is what’s the point of being awake when I’m so tired I can’t be bothered to move and I just spend the day wishing I was in bed. My eyes sting.
Good news: I imanaged to stay awake without sleeping at all last night and go into town for four hours.
Bad news: I fell asleep when I got back at 3pm and I’ve just woke up at 1am with a sore neck, bad back and terrible headache.
I have like 6 pillows and I pile them up when I lay in bed to read, but I forgot to take some off before sleeping. Now wonder I’m in pain. I need to go and get some paracetamol. But I’m too tired to move. I made an effort to talk to a couple of friends online today.
I’ve been nocturnal for so long that being awake during the day makes my body feel shitty and ill and all that jazz. Let’s hope today I actually manage to stay awake all day. Energy drinks and coffee don’t help.
Lately I’ve been sending out more postcards and letters and I think I know why. Firstly, I can’t control if others treat me badly, but I can control how I treat others, and if I can choose, I will always choose in a good way. There’s a lot of negativity in the world, and while I add to it mentally, I shouldn’t physically. Secondly, sending nice things to strangers and receiving from them kind of makes me feel like there are some good people in the world. I want others to know there are people in the world who do nice things. Lastly, some days you just need a reason to smile, and if I can make someone else smile, then I’ve done something good. If I could get out of bed or go out of the house a lot more, I would do random acts of kindness. I just want to make other people happy. I don’t want anyone to feel like me. And maybe a selfish side of me wishes that if I make others happy it will somehow miraculously make me happy, too.
I need to be able to imagine a future for myself, and at the moment it’s impossible. Maybe if I could I could be happy, maybe I wouldn’t be suicidal, maybe I wouldn’t think I was wasting my time just existing here. Sometimes I’m so sure there’s nothing for me in this world, other times I’m so scared of leaving it. I’m confused, but kind of relieved by that, because it means I’m not making a conclusive decision either way. I don’t think I’m making sense much today. I think I’ll go and read some more. It’s the only thing I seem to do lately.
“Friends” haven’t been in contact at all lately. Knowing me I’ll make conversation soon, but if they think I’ll sit by if they say it’s been a while I’ll speak up. I need some sign that they actually want to still be friends. In fact, I’m better not being in contact with anyone. If they contact me I’ll make an effort with them, if not, fuck them. You don’t need anyone who forgets you exist.
